A little over a year ago my mentor gave me some valuable feedback about how I relate to people. I had just returned from a mission training school which he happens to teach at and apparently one or two other students (who are all phenomenal people, btw) gave some brave feedback in a debriefing paper about finding it difficult to relate to me. I guess it seemed like I was argumentative and didn’t value other people’s opinions as much as I did my own.

It wounded my ego at first, but I could see where they were coming from because it’s a little bit of a recurring theme in my life.

I enjoy a proper conversation about substance. Talking about sports and celebrities and the weather just gets boring after a while. Even more, I like it when people are willing to disagree because it’s when we disagree that we learn stuff.

I’m not saying I’m a crusty guy who only talks about religion and politics. Far from it. I actually hate political conversations and heated arguments and have participated in my share of silliness.

It’s just that other people’s opinions are fascinating to me. I like hearing their train of logic and why they believe what they believe. Why is one of my favorite words. I don’t know why parents completely squash it out of us when we’re kids.

Of course–as with any human–I naturally prefer my opinion over others. That’s why I have it. I’m biased to my train of logic and point of view. (You probably are too.)

And so instead of listening and trying to understand what the other person is really saying, it can be easy for me to start building my next thought. I think most of us have this problem. And sometimes, I do run over other people and even belittle their opinion.

I do think I have been getting better, especially after I found out that it was a real problem at Bible school. But I’ll let my friends decide whether that’s true or not.

Here’s the thing I’ve learned about myself, though. When I get frustrated in a conversation, it’s usually not because the other person has a different opinion or point of view. I’ve grown up interacting with a myriad of opinions. It bothers me more when people obviously have an opinion and refuse to share it because they don’t want to argue. (There’s a difference between having a rigorous conversation and a heated argument–but the untrained eye might not be able to see it.)

I get frustrated for a couple of reasons–but one in particular keeps recurring and I’m realizing it’s actually a very silly reason.

I get frustrated when I don’t feel understood.

Either I haven’t articulated my opinion very well or people have over complicated things and assumed beliefs into my statements. Or sometimes I get in trouble by playing the “devil’s advocate” and the next thing I know I’m backed into a corner defending the devil’s point of view because people thought I actually believed it. I shake my head and wonder why I’m defending the devil! I was just testing the parachute for holes before I put it on.

Nothing is more frustrating to me than being misunderstood.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned: It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter if people understand me. I don’t need to go round-and-round in an argument until they fully grasp my point of view.

I know what I’m trying to say. I know why I pushed back on an argument I thought had some holes. I know why I posted that article or poll I found fascinating. I don’t need to go around making sure everyone understands where I stand. I don’t need to prove my point.

What does matter is that I strive to understand other people. No matter who it is, I can guarantee they have a story, they have reason they are where they are. They have a “why.” And sometimes the only persuading they need is a listening ear and an understanding heart.

It’s a powerful thing to be understood. Not labeled or boxed up, not rejected or pandered to, not condemned, belittled or pacified.

Understood. Known. As a real person with a real story and a real why.

So who have you argued with recently? Can you say you really understand where they were coming from? Were you able to walk away without “proving your point”?

If you did, you’re a remarkable person. That takes real guts!

C.D.