Depression

Hello Sadness

/ Chris / Leave a comment

I guess what I’m learning is to be okay with sadness touching every strand of my life, if it wants to. That sounds painfully melancholy. I don’t mean to say I am going to go find Sadness and drag her into every memory, thought, and experience.

But when she shows up, I want to invite her in and acknowledge her presence. Believe it or not, being sad doesn’t have to take away from a parallel joy.

Why have we split joy and sadness into these opposing binaries? So often they seem to be presented as exclusionary. Of course, there may be times when we, for our own mental health, ought to set aside things like sadness and worry so that we can be fully present to our joy. And there may be times when we delay joy in order to allow our anger a voice.

But I propose these times are an exception.

This extends to more than just our interior lives.

Let me give you several examples to show what I mean by joy (or any “light” emotions) being in the same room as sadness (or any “dark” emotions).

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Why I Go to Therapy and More Thoughts On What It Means to Process

/ Chris / Leave a comment

I’m sitting in the waiting area of the counseling center where I meet with my therapist at four o’clock every Monday afternoon.

I have my regular Flat White that I get from Starbucks on my way (if I didn’t have time to stop by the legendary Civil Coffee for their delicious black coffee).

To my left, there’s an old guy tapping on an iPad with his forefinger. To my right there’s a handsome fellow with a salt-and-pepper beard filling out the paperwork. Next to him is a boy with that 10-11 year old chubbiness. His Mom is sitting catty corner with a concerned pride in her eyes. You know the kind of look only moms give.

The thing that always strikes me when I sit here is the normal-ness of everyone. No one looks sickly or agitated or depressed.

It makes me wonder why they’re here. Did they experience a death close to them? Are they having a midlife crisis?

Are the kids being bullied at school? Were their parents divorced? Do they struggle with intense self-worth or anxiety like so many kids their age these days?

I want to both cry, imagining what they must have experienced, and tell them I’m so proud of them for being healthy enough to get help.

I think through all the reasons these normal people are getting therapy and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, “Well, you look kind of normal. Why are you getting therapy?”

I’m sometimes kind of sheepish about using the word “therapy.” It sounds so clinical and dramatic. You don’t, typically “go to therapy” unless something crazy happened to you (even though you probably should anyways).

Despite this, I’m trying to be as open and honest about it as I would about anything else I do. It’s making me process life at a level and with a greater bird’s-eye perspective than when I’m slogging through life moment by moment.

Which is why I go.

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“Grieving” Revisited

/ Chris / 13 Comments

Prelude: 

I published this piece on my old blog two months and a couple weeks after my Mom died on November 6, 2012.

Written during the throes of the deepest grief I’ve experienced, I find my old thoughts still ringing true today. Yet in other ways, I am encouraged by the progress I see. In the second paragraph I talked about many of us not being willing to share honestly about the battles we faced. In the five years since I wrote this, I think that’s changed–at least among my friends. We are much quicker to “just be real.” It may even be to a fault, but I think I’d rather people be a little too honest about their struggles, then try to pretend they’re totally okay or perfect when they’re not. (I don’t know, what are your thoughts? Am I right about the change in atmosphere?)

From the very first two paragraphs, I can see the hand of God weaving a thread through my story that would eventually lead me to make a major, life-changing decision (watch for my next “Revisited” post a week from now).

I pray this is a comfort to those of you going through the same.

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When You Don’t Want God

/ Chris / Leave a comment

Have you ever walked into a house while someone is cooking a meal? Think of Thanksgiving day when your mom is preparing that delectable array of dishes and the aroma saturates the entire house.

Even if you aren’t hungry before, you are once you’ve smelled the delicious food! In fact, if you’re like me, you’re hungry right now just thinking about it!

A while ago, some of my friends and I were discussing what it means to be “hungry for God.”

We talked about how we often ask God to make us more “hungry for him”–to “help us want him more,” as we often put it.

I’ve said this a lot and I always mean it in a good way. I usually say it like a transparent plea before God, being honest about how I feel while also expressing my desire to love Him more. And I think this is often appropriate.

But my friend Vince wondered what it is like for God to hear us pray “Help me want you more.”

Imagine being the most beautiful Person to ever exist, the most glorious Concept in the universe, the most desirable Companion–imagine being all that and having people say “I still don’t want You enough, help me want You more.”

Vince thought perhaps the best question is not “Do you want God?” but rather “Have you seen God?”

Because just like smelling a delicious Thanksgiving meal stirs up hunger, seeing God stirs a longing for more of Him. The more you see Jesus, the more you desire Him.

Today, instead of asking God to increase our desire for Him, let’s ask Him to reveal Himself to us.

I think that’s what will really stir our desire for more.

“One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple.” – Psalm 27:4

Blessings,
C.D.